The Ace Armstrong Story

(Slightly Embellished, But Somewhat True)

In the Beginning . . .

Ace Armstrong was born on June 18, 1971 in a small hospital in rural Kansas. His parents didn't really live in Kansas at the time; they were just visiting and Ace got so bored that he felt he had to do something to make the trip worthwhile. So, he decided it was time to meet the world. (This was, of course, the first of many mistakes he would make.) Shortly after his birth in Kansas, Ace's parents punished him for his inconvenient arrival by moving him back to the only place which could possibly be more boring than rural Kansas: their home in rural Nebraska.

Ace spent the first few years moving around the Midwest with his parents, who were cleverly disguised as a minister and a social worker, but who were, in fact, agents of a secret government organization which kept pesky agents from terrorist organizations (the PLO, the IRA, and the New Kids on the Block) from wreaking havoc and terror upon Americans everywhere. (They were somewhat less than successful in the case of the New Kids, unfortunately.) By the time he was twelve years old, Ace had already diverted two major world disasters, saved the galaxy from annihiliation by successfully conducting a diplomatic dialogue with aliens from another planet, and won five Nobel peace prizes (which, in keeping with his modesty, he turned down). In the meantime, he also faced the greatest challenge of his life: babysitting. Where feared terrorists like "The Jackal," secret organizations like KGB and the alien Cyborg Warriors of the Zoltanian Galactic Empire had failed, Ace's younger brother and sister succeeded: they forced him to cower in the corner, where he prayed for his parents to come home. (Hey--if you've ever tried to babysit two younger sibs, you can understand that there is no shame in this!)

Ace eventually ended up in the small town of Faucett, Missouri, where he found he really did not fit in; with his different hair, different clothes and complete set of chromosomes, Ace realized that there was no future for him in this small settlement on the edge of nowhere. So, he moved to the big city: St. Joseph, Missouri (population 60,000 or so, about seven miles from Faucett). Alas, his life still less than complete, Ace gave up crime fighting and decided to enter the world of radio at the age of 16.

The Start of Something Good

Despite immediate offers from big-name radio station in places like New York, Los Angeles, London and Pigsuck, Arkansas, Ace decided to start out small. He grabbed his first radio job at KMRN-AM in Cameron, Missouri a few weeks after getting his drivers license. It was a weekend gig at a small station: just the place to hide out from the myriad powerful enemies Ace had made throughout his career as a defender of truth, justice, and cheap pizza. KMRN was a small AM radio station with a target audience of people who were over 90 years old and lived in nursing homes. But, with his characteristic charm, Ace took on this new challenge, and quickly developed a following as both a talk show host and a DJ. At the same time, having escaped (er, graduated) from Mid-Buchanan R-5 High School in Faucett (also known as the "Buchanan County School for the Tragically Unhip and Frighteningly Clueless"), Ace began to attend college at Northwest Missouri State University. While attending college, Ace began work at Top 40 KDLX ("X106") and public radio station KXCV. Ace eventually moved to mornings at X-106, and then to the Program Director position the year that the station was nominated for five Marconi awards and was named Station of the Year by the Marconi committee. At KXCV, he became the host of two jazz programs and a news anchor.

No Rest for the Incredibly Handsome

While all of this was going on, Ace also joined the staff of KXXR/Kansas City, which was sold and became KISF ("The New Kiss 107.3"). After being named the host of the high-profile show "Club Kiss," which quickly flew to number one, Ace started performing stand-up comedy, appearing in such clubs as Stanford's Comedy House, The Doghouse Comedy Club, and The Funny Bone. When KISF was sold (again), Ace landed at CK-105 in Flint, where he also met with tremendous success, both on the air and on-stage. When the station fired Ace a year later (a combination of an April Fool's Day joke, internal politics and a format adjustment), Ace decided to leave showbiz and focus on a more imminent threat: ending the invasion plans of the alien Barnodians, a race of purple dinosaurs. The Barnodians, it appeared, had developed plans to invade Earth by sending a lone scout to rot the brains of Earth's young, thus rendering the planet defenseless, and only Ace, with his experience in dealing with such evil forces, was qualified to stop the invasion. It was a harrowing mission, but one which Ace accomplished with more than a little style.

Back to the Biz

Ace returned to radio a year later, unable to stay away from the radio business, and landed at WIOG/Saginaw before moving to nights at WIN 98.5 in Battle Creek/Kalamazoo, where he was told the station wanted a "Top 40 show with country music."

"They told me they wanted a fun, upbeat show," Ace said. "But that was really little more than a ruse to get someone who could read. After a couple of weeks, it became obvious that this was not what I was told it would be." Ace held on for a year before calling it quits. "I've never had to deal with an audience that is so negative," he said. "All they wanted to do was complain. I don't have time for complainers; I want to do a show for people who actually enjoy life a little."

In the meantime, Ace had picked up part-time work at WFAT (96.5: The Fat One) in Kalamazoo, where he is now the host of the "Fat Night-Time Jam" on weeknights from 7 to midnight. "The audience here is so much nicer, and they actually understand it when you tell a joke. The hipness factor is much higher here than it ever was at the country station," he explained.

Will the madness ever end?

Ace's future plans include an eventual move to talk radio, and perhaps politics. In the meantime, Ace has founded his own graphic design company. Wild Card Media specializes in promotional print and electronic publication for small businesses and individuals, as well broadcast production.When he's not busily working away at the computer keyboard, Ace performs stand-up comedy and is hoping to join a band. He's also working on a novel (Forever and a Day) and on The Power Station BBS, an electronic forum for those interested in politics, literature, the performing arts, radio and strategy gaming.